Your Mind Invites You to Play Tennis. You Don't Have to Return the Serve.
You don't have to believe everything your mind tells you.
Sometimes your mind invites you to play a game of tennis.
It serves up a thought: “What if they think I'm selfish?” You return it: “I'm not selfish. I do plenty for other people.”
Your mind serves again: “But what if they're disappointed in you?” You hit back: “They're allowed to be disappointed.”
Another serve: “Maybe I should just do what they want.”
And before you know it, you're exhausted from a match that exists entirely inside your own head. The problem isn't that your mind invited you to play. The problem is believing you have to accept the invitation.
Your mind is going to keep serving
Our minds are remarkably good at generating thoughts. They predict. They compare. They analyze. They look for problems. They imagine what other people might be thinking. They replay conversations and prepare us for what could go wrong.
Sometimes those thoughts are useful. Sometimes they're not. And sometimes, particularly when we're experiencing anxiety, they can be so convincing that we automatically treat them like instructions:
“I might disappoint them.” → So we say yes.
“They might think I'm incompetent.” → So we over-prepare and try to get everything exactly right.
“What if I make the wrong decision?” → So we keep researching, analyzing, and asking for reassurance.
“I should be handling this better.” → So we push ourselves a little harder.
The thought shows up, and we respond as though something needs to be done about it. The game begins.
You don't have to win the argument
When we're uncomfortable with a thought, it's natural to try to challenge it.
That's not true.
I'm actually doing fine.
They probably don't think that.
There's no reason to worry.
Sometimes challenging a thought can be helpful. But if you find yourself constantly needing to prove your thoughts wrong before you can move forward, you may end up spending a lot of time arguing with your own mind.
And minds are very good at coming up with another question.
But what if...?
Are you sure?
What about that one time...?
But couldn't it mean...?
You answer one question, and your mind serves another. Eventually, the goal becomes less about living your life and more about getting your mind to agree with you. But what if you don't need to win? What if you could simply notice the thought and choose what to do next?
Changing your relationship with your thoughts
This doesn't mean ignoring your thoughts. It doesn't mean telling yourself that everything is fine when it isn't. And it doesn't mean forcing yourself to think positively. Instead, you can practice noticing your thoughts without automatically treating them as facts, warnings, or instructions.
You might notice: “I'm having the thought that they're disappointed in me.” Rather than: “They're disappointed in me, and I need to fix it.”
There is a small but important difference. The thought can still be there. You don't have to get rid of it. You simply create a little more space between having the thought and acting on it. And that space gives you a choice.
Especially when someone else might not like your choice
This becomes particularly important when your thoughts are connected to other people's expectations.
Maybe you want to say no. → Your mind says: “They're going to be upset.”
Maybe you want to change careers. → Your mind says: “What will everyone think?”
Maybe you need to set a boundary. → Your mind says: “You're being difficult.”
Maybe you're doing something that matters to you, but you know someone else might not understand it. → Your mind says: “Maybe you should just do what would make everyone else happy.”
You don't have to argue with these thoughts. You also don't have to obey them. You can acknowledge:
“I'm worried they'll be disappointed.”
“I'm afraid they'll judge me.”
“Part of me wants their approval.”
And then ask a different question:
“What do I want to stand for here?”
Because changing your relationship with your thoughts isn't about becoming someone who doesn't care what anyone else thinks.
You can care deeply about other people.
You can value your relationships.
You can listen to feedback.
You can consider how your choices affect the people around you.
And you can still make choices that don't receive everyone's approval.
You can let your mind have its say
Your mind doesn't have to become quieter before you start living differently.
You don't need to convince yourself that you shouldn't feel guilty before setting a boundary.
You don't need to prove that nobody will judge you before doing something that matters to you.
You don't need to eliminate uncertainty before making a decision.
You don't need to stop caring about other people's opinions before allowing your own values to have a voice.
Your mind can say: “What if this goes wrong?” → You can respond: “Maybe it will. I'm still going to take this step.”
Your mind can say: “They might not like this.” → You can respond: “Maybe they won't. I'm still choosing it.”
Your mind can say: “You should make everyone happy.” → You can respond: “I care about them. And I can't build my life around keeping everyone happy.”
Notice what is different here. You're not trying to convince your mind that it's wrong. You're not trying to make the uncomfortable thought disappear. You're not fighting with yourself. You're choosing what matters to you, even while your mind has something to say about it.
Sometimes you can just leave the ball where it is
The next time your mind serves you a thought that pulls you into an argument, see if you can notice the invitation. “There's that thought again.” You might even imagine the ball landing on your side of the court. You could pick up the racket. You could start arguing. You could spend the next hour trying to prove the thought wrong.
Or you could let the ball sit there. Not because the thought doesn't matter. Not because your mind is your enemy. But because you get to decide whether this is a game you want to play.
And sometimes the most important thing isn't winning the match. It's deciding where you want to spend your energy instead.
If you're tired of playing the same game
Therapy can be a place to explore the thoughts, patterns, and expectations that keep pulling you into these mental matches.
Through approaches informed by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we can work on changing your relationship with difficult thoughts and feelings so that they have less control over the choices you make.
You don't have to change yourself to make every thought go away. And you don't have to change yourself to make everyone else happy.
Sometimes your mind will invite you to play.
You get to decide whether you accept.
You don't have to convince your mind to stop producing difficult thoughts before you can move forward. Sometimes the work is learning that a thought can be there without needing an answer, an argument, or an action. If you're finding yourself caught in cycles of overthinking, self-doubt, or people-pleasing, therapy can be a place to slow down, notice what’s happening, and explore how you want to respond.
